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Post by japaneseteeth on Apr 21, 2016 21:17:18 GMT
That is a pretty nice passage. Also, I'll try to look at your Ditzy thing this weekend. I've been preoccupied with my Spike project lately.
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Post by Applelight Limited on Apr 22, 2016 0:12:30 GMT
Wow...
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Post by Mezzaphor on Apr 22, 2016 17:42:15 GMT
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Post by Applelight Limited on Apr 23, 2016 3:06:37 GMT
Sweet, I'll read this this week.
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Post by Mezzaphor on Apr 24, 2016 16:11:22 GMT
Pinkie fic update: I was about to literally insert a philosophy 101 lecture into the story, but then Pinkie pointed out that she could follow it a lot better if it were in the form of a rap music video.
I can't do rap, but I can condense the lecture into a new wave song. I think.
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Post by Applelight Limited on Apr 24, 2016 16:16:52 GMT
That's very appropriate for her!
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Post by Mezzaphor on May 1, 2016 15:47:08 GMT
I haven't seen it myself, but from reading about it, I bet a ponified version of Babette's Feast would be Pinkie's favorite stage play. Baguette's Feast.
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Post by Mezzaphor on May 21, 2016 17:16:50 GMT
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Post by Applelight Limited on May 21, 2016 18:14:48 GMT
Great stuff! I'll check it out asap.
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Post by japaneseteeth on May 22, 2016 1:09:37 GMT
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Post by Applelight Limited on May 22, 2016 18:14:43 GMT
I'll take a look at that too JT.
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Post by japaneseteeth on May 22, 2016 18:53:39 GMT
Cool, thanks.
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Post by japaneseteeth on May 27, 2016 1:38:50 GMT
@meta: Okay, finally finished reading it. Overall I liked it, especially the ending with Pinkie and Maud. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be the entirety of the story or just the start of it. If it's the former case, I feel like it could use a bit of expansion. The real emotional drive of the story is Maud's addition to the story, and I feel like that part of it could be built up a bit more. If that's not what you were going for, you might want to lengthen the middle section with Pinkie worrying about the nature of her own reality, because while that's interesting, it doesn't have the same emotional punch since Pinkie thinks about it mostly in the abstract, whereas the Maud thing is much more practical. So maybe have her worry less about "am I real?" and more about what that revelation means for, say, her parties and relationships with everypony in town. Like she wonders if her friendships with everyone really mean anything if she only has them because the story says so.
The other critique I'd have is that the timeline is a bit hard to follow because it's all in very relative terms "years ago", "five minutes later," etc. and it's not always clear what the reference point is. I.e. "a day earlier" than what? Nailing down one "present" for the story and having all the events clearly timed in their relationship to that would make it easier to follow.
Lastly, I honestly didn't think the philosophy section was that bad. That said, it might be because I've been reading Moby-Dick and that thing rambles way more than this bit does. Seriously there are whole chapters of information that are completely unrelated to the story.
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Post by Mezzaphor on May 27, 2016 14:52:25 GMT
I might be able to make one change that would address both of those problems.
In my earlier draft of chapter 3, the ending scene ran quite a bit longer, because Pinkie gets really taken aback by Maud's stoicism. Pinkie has a bunch of memories about her new sister, but she hasn't quite processed them and truly understood Maud's nature—so she misinterprets Maud's usual façade and thinks "Oh, no, she hates me!" Then Pinkie finally figures it out, and they have their big hug.
There's one scene from this longer ending that survived until the current draft: that flash-forward scene at the beginning of the chapter, where Pinkie asks how old the rock is, and Maud throws it across the room. I decided to keep it because it ties in with Pinkie's conversation with Dr. Hooves. But if I expand the ending, I can move the rock scene to its original place at the end... and that would put the entire chapter in chronological order.
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Post by japaneseteeth on May 27, 2016 18:21:03 GMT
That sounds like it would work prettywell.
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