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Post by Applelight Limited on Dec 23, 2014 1:21:42 GMT
The one I was talking about earlier today in the live chat thread. It's a little over 12,000 words, and the subject matter should be of no surprise to anyone who knows me.  I know that's it very bad on many levels, but I'm still hoping that some feedback on it can help me improve my writing in general. I'm especially looking for feedback on writing style, characterization etc, but any advice would be much appreciated.
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Post by Mezzaphor on Dec 23, 2014 1:55:47 GMT
You need to change access, to make it viewable to anyone with the link.
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Post by japaneseteeth on Dec 23, 2014 2:40:18 GMT
And enable comments, preferably.
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Post by Sydxelia on Dec 23, 2014 14:24:39 GMT
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Post by Applelight Limited on Dec 23, 2014 15:27:20 GMT
God damn, it I always forget to unlock google docs! OK I fixed it. Sorry about that. |
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Post by Mezzaphor on Jan 4, 2015 1:51:50 GMT
Left some comments. Big picture things:
1. You should probably merge chapter 1 and 2 together.
2. The chapter with all the flashbacks to Pinkie's exercise regime (with Twilight researching liposuction as the framing device) would probably be better if you dropped the framing device, and made the exercise flashbacks into a montage in the present.
3. From that same chapter, the description of how Pinkie fought to keep all her snacks has just enough detail to feel like an Offscreen Moment Of Awesome. You could either cut a bunch of details and turn it into a Noodle Incident. Or you could show it happening in the present, and devote a full chapter to The Battle of Pinkie's Apartment. Either way would make it funnier, I think.
4. Need to fix your dialogue punctuation.
5. Word cruft. You use "she began to <verb>" or "she was <verb>ing" a lot in cases where "she <verb>ed" would suffice. I also noticed too much passive voice.
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Post by Applelight Limited on Jan 4, 2015 16:29:40 GMT
Left some comments. Big picture things: 1. You should probably merge chapter 1 and 2 together. 2. The chapter with all the flashbacks to Pinkie's exercise regime (with Twilight researching liposuction as the framing device) would probably be better if you dropped the framing device, and made the exercise flashbacks into a montage in the present. 3. From that same chapter, the description of how Pinkie fought to keep all her snacks has just enough detail to feel like an Offscreen Moment Of Awesome. You could either cut a bunch of details and turn it into a Noodle Incident. Or you could show it happening in the present, and devote a full chapter to The Battle of Pinkie's Apartment. Either way would make it funnier, I think. 4. Need to fix your dialogue punctuation. 5. Word cruft. You use "she began to <verb>" or "she was <verb>ing" a lot in cases where "she <verb>ed" would suffice. I also noticed too much passive voice. Thanks for all the help Meta. To respond to your points. 1. I agree. They need to be merged. 2. That is a good idea, and I will do it. 3. I think I'll go with your second suggestion. It'll be a good replacement for the merging of chapters 1 and 2. 4. Yeah I need to work on that. 5. True. In the years since I wrote this I think I have improved on those problems so this should be easy to fix. I went through and made all your suggestions. I'm also going to respond to your more detailed ideas asap. This has all been most helpful thank you. What do you think of my writing in general? Grammatical issues aside, what about the style, ideas, characterization etc? |
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Post by japaneseteeth on Jan 5, 2015 1:36:38 GMT
Okay looked over the first two chapters. Meta covered most of the issues. The only thing to add would be that you have a lot of extraneous detail. Some detail is good, but occasionally, particularly in the first chapter, it feels a bit like filler. It's important to pick and choose details that are important to the story.
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Post by Mezzaphor on Jan 5, 2015 1:37:59 GMT
For the most part I thought your prose was good. It didn't really stick out, but it didn't distract from the story. Some of the dialogue didn't quite sound like the characters's voices, but a lot of it did. Twilight's my favorite from the show, and she felt in-character this whole story. I also liked a lot of the jokes and slapstick bits.
From the way you described the story in the other thread (I specifically recall you using the word "pandering"), I was honestly expecting it to be a little more blatantly fetish-y. I think there's enough good stuff in the story that it could appeal to readers outside the chubby chaser crowd. Much like that "Pinkie Bulks Up" story Jteeth wrote.
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Post by Applelight Limited on Jan 5, 2015 1:55:43 GMT
Okay looked over the first two chapters. Meta covered most of the issues. The only thing to add would be that you have a lot of extraneous detail. Some detail is good, but occasionally, particularly in the first chapter, it feels a bit like filler. It's important to pick and choose details that are important to the story. I completely agree. This fic is full of waffle. However, in the years since I originally wrote this, I've learnt to stick to the point when writing, and to not go off on tangents. I will go through it with a fine tooth comb and trim the fat. For the most part I thought your prose was good. It didn't really stick out, but it didn't distract from the story. Some of the dialogue didn't quite sound like the characters's voices, but a lot of it did. Twilight's my favorite from the show, and she felt in-character this whole story. I also liked a lot of the jokes and slapstick bits. From the way you described the story in the other thread (I specifically recall you using the word "pandering"), I was honestly expecting it to be a little more blatantly fetish-y. I think there's enough good stuff in the story that it could appeal to readers outside the chubby chaser crowd. Much like that "Pinkie Bulks Up" story Jteeth wrote. Well thank you.  I'm glad you liked some of the jokes and stuff. I do want (and try) to be funny when writing and it's always hard. I'm also glad to hear that you think my characterization is mostly OK. That's obviously very important, and I hope to improve it. I wanted to avoid overly blatant fetish stuff but I also had to be honest with what the story is. But I'm happy to hear that you think the story has some merit. |
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Post by Mezzaphor on Jan 5, 2015 4:28:02 GMT
I can't say for sure, because it's hard to be objective about my own behavior in alternate universes, but...
If I had encountered this story independently, without knowing anything about its author—the thought might never have crossed my mind that the author had that kind of interest in fat Pinkie. So... good job, and keep on keeping it tasteful, I guess.
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Post by Applelight Limited on Jan 5, 2015 19:56:08 GMT
I can't say for sure, because it's hard to be objective about my own behavior in alternate universes, but... If I had encountered this story independently, without knowing anything about its author—the thought might never have crossed my mind that the author had that kind of interest in fat Pinkie. So... good job, and keep on keeping it tasteful, I guess. Thank you. I think though that I might need to go and do some rewriting to strengthen the plot because at the moment I feel that it's less like a coherent story and more like a lot of disconnected events occurring one after the other. |
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Post by Mezzaphor on Jan 6, 2015 16:27:56 GMT
When I first read it, something about Fluttershy's yoga disaster rubbed me the wrong way, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what. But I think I can now. Her injury sticks around too long, I think. "Feeling Pinkie Keen" pulled a similar gag, where all the Pinkie Sense disasters left Twilight in a wheelchair, with all her legs in casts. But in Twilight's case, she was walking around again, perfectly fine, in the very next scene—implied to be the same day, even.
So for your story, I think it's going too far to have Fluttershy in a neck brace for a month or so. But if you showed her in the neck brace in the immediate aftermath of the accident, and then she's completely healed some ridiculously short time later, that would work.
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Post by Applelight Limited on Jan 6, 2015 16:48:51 GMT
That's a great idea! Thank you . It probably is a bad idea to mix slapstick with serious injures or a serious tone. I think the latest idw comic makes that same mistake. |
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